But often people shy away from even acknowledging that their partner’s behavior could be bringing-up insecurities within them, because they would rather it be something about themselves, because these they feel more in control. Something they can “fix” on their own.
But the truth is that when you’re in a relationship, one person’s actions inevitably impacts the other person as well.
Narcissistic tendencies can consume so much of people’s focus and emotional energy, that it makes it difficult for them to be there for their partner - to pick-up on the needs of their partner, or to communicate effectively in relationships. Those subtle gestures that can nurture a relationship on day-to-day basis become almost impossible to pick-up on.
Similarly, your partner’s anger issues can cause you to feel like you’re always walking on egg-shells, not knowing when you might say or do something wrong that could make your partner angry.
The third reason for you feeling insecure in your relationship can be your pride. Now when it comes to pride, there can be a pride points that you feel so confident in that you don’t feel threatened about them at all. But then there are some of what I call the sensitive pride points.
This can be something that you thought you were not good at, and you worked so hard to overcome those parts, that they become a soft point and a point of pride all at once. Or something that you think is so vital to your identity, for who you are that it’s at the very core of who you are as a person.
And once these message gets internalized, they become a part of your ego - your pride points. They become a part of how you want others to see you.
When others compliment and reassure these parts of you in the manner that boosts your pride, it feels great. But anything that can feel like a challenge to these beliefs you hold about yourself, can feel like a very personal attack on your ego, and immediately brings your guards up.
And the fourth reason is childhood experiences - Whether that’s the relationship that you had with your parents and siblings, or the relationship that your mother and father had with one another. And the things to remember is that the childhood is a very critical time for your development - for your brain and your personality to develop. And if any of these childhood relationships were unhealthy, then it is likely that you carry the burden of those childhood experiences with you in the form of certain insecurities.
And there is a lot much shame and guilt associated with these childhood insecurities, even though you know that none of it was your fault.
I want to emphasize here that especially with these childhood insecurities, it is important for you to talk about them, and share them with your partner, because they are a part of your story. They played a role in you becoming the person you are today. And if you want your partner to really understand you deeply, then you need to let them read these important chapters of your story that led to the person they love today.
And it’s also possible that there could be more than one of these factors feeding into your insecurities. For example, if your were cheated on in a previous relationship, then it’s possible that you might carry that insecurity from that relationship into your current one, but if your current partner is going out with their friends every evening, or are coming home late or intoxicated, then of course that will make those insecurities worse. It then becomes equally important for you to address both of those factors to break-free from the burden of these insecurities.
Now insecurities are a part of life, everyone experiences them, but they don’t have to hurt your relationship. And The very first step in your process of healing - to stop letting these insecurities drive your relationship and life, is to recognize your insecurities. Most people are so afraid of their insecurities that whenever they run into a situation or a conversation that brings-up these insecurities, they immediately shut down emotionally.
But if you keep running from your insecurities, then you can’t face that. You have to choose - either fight or flight. Running away from these insecurities is the flight, whereas recognizing and talking about these insecurities is coming face-to-face with what you don’t like about yourself, or what you fear that others won’t like about you. But that’s where the healing starts.
And that’s where you start taking command of your relationship away from these insecurities, and rather start using these tough secrets about yourself and your life to develop an even closer and emotionally intimate relationship with your partner.