How to CONTROL ANGER in Relationship (and Feel Closer) 💝
As people, we experience many emotions in life - Happiness, Sadness, irritation, love, and even anger. Each emotion has a purpose in your life - some bring you joy while others help us grow. But one emotion that people struggle the most with is anger - because we think of anger as an evil, negative emotion. We either try to keep it under complete control, or we totally succumb to it. But anger isn't evil - It's the decisions that you make when you are angry.
You can experience an emotion but not act on it. Anger is your mind's way of telling you that you feel threatened that you're feeling unsafe. Anger and fear reside in the same part of your brain. And this part of your brain, called the amygdala, is an extremely powerful part of your emotional brain. This emotional energy, the expressive power of your mind, is something that. You can master and actually use it to improve your life and relationship. On the other hand, if you succumb to it, then that's when you lose control in anger and frustration.
Anger only tells you that something in that moment doesn't feel right. Something important to you feels at risk. For example, if you get angry when someone questions your drinking habits, then perhaps you fear the pressure to change your drinking habits.
Similarly, during an argument with your partner, your anger could actually be a sign of you being afraid that your ideas are not valued - that your emotions are not being supported. It could also remind you of unpleasant arguments you might have had in the past, leaving you desperately wanting to control the situation.
But often, people respond to this fear by hiding it with anger. The problem is that your anger isn't your shield. Rather it's a sword that can rip through the very fabric of your relationship.
Anger spoils relationships where there should be a great reciprocity.
- Robert Thurman
You have a choice - that you either take control of this anger, or it takes control of you. And once the anger starts to control your thoughts and actions when you feel upset, that's when you start yelling and doing things that you later regret. Things that hurt your relationship and often take you on the path you wanted to avoid in the first place.
When anger takes over your ability to think clearly - to make thoughtful decisions - you lose your ability to show your love and care, even if it is in your heart. It's one of the most dangerous moments for your relationship. This is why it's not the time to make any decisions. It's not the time to say whatever comes to your mind, but rather it's a time to take a step back and separate yourself from the anger you are feeling in that moment.
Anger is one of the things that I had to struggle with for many years. One of the things that worked really well for me was to start labeling my anger. I started calling it a parasite - because it was sucking the blood out of my relationships.
By giving my anger a name, I could catch my anger in the moment and see it as something separate from me. My anger wasn't me - it anger didn't define me. I was able to see how this parasite used to just take over my mind and body. And once I was able to see what this parasite was doing to my life and relationships, it became something I wanted to fight back for the sake of my loved ones.
The real threat to your relationship isn't the disagreement with your partner, but rather this parasite that makes you say hurtful things or take sabotaging actions that can't be taken back, even when the anger has passed.
So instead of giving in to your anger, you can use it to recognize what feels uncomfortable to you - what are you really afraid of. It's your chance to pay attention to what is important to you- what is it that you are trying to protect.
But that's all the purpose that anger has to serve in your life. Once you recognize the underlying fear, it's time to take a step back and let your anger pass. Use your words to express how you feel - With warmth and compassion, which are your real shield. Share your vulnerability with your partner to make your bond even stronger.
Tell them what you fear and why it's important to you. Listen to what your partner is afraid of and what matters to them. And once you do that - Once you both put out your honest thoughts and emotions in front of each other, it's time to show how much you appreciate one another. It's time to meet your partner halfway.
COMMUNICATE and COMPROMISE - And that will protect your emotions and your relationships much better than anger ever could.