In a way, by constantly thinking about your ex or about the relationship that’s over. By revisiting every scenario to try and understand what was real and what was not, or what could you have done differently or said differently that could have prevented this outcome, that could you have prevented this pain.
By staying in that state of mind, you’re not only trying to undo what has already happened, but you’re also elongating that relationship in your head. You’re staying just a bit longer with your partner, even if that’s through those hurtful reflections and memories.
But while trying to hold on to those memories and those emotions a bit longer, you are also keep coming back to the painful reality that it’s all over, and the more you longer you stay in that loop, more hurt you feel, and more lonely you feel - because you no longer have that person next to you.
How to do deal with the loneliness?
And that realization right there is the first step in dealing with the feeling of loneliness after a breakup. You see there are two reasons why people feel so lonely after a break-up:
One is of course the void that I mentioned earlier, the void that’s left when your partner walked out of your life. But the other reason is this feeling of being alone in what you are experiencing and what you are going through.
Break-up is a grief process, and no one can expedite your process of grief. But while you’re working through this grief, if you feel like no one around you understands the extent of pain that you’re going through, or how much this loss, this grief process hurts right now, then that makes the pain sensors in your brain even more sensitive.
Remember our brains don’t like isolation, we are pack animals - we need love, empathy and support. The problem becomes is that people often mix these two reasons of loneliness in that moment. The loss of your relationship, missing your ex is often so much in the forefront of your mind and emotions that it becomes the lens through which you look at everything else - at all other relationships and friendships.
And then it becomes this quest to replace your ex- to replace all the emotions and feelings you experienced in that relationship, in some sort of an effort to prove to yourself and others that the break-up didn’t impact you, that you’re moving on with your life just fine.
That would be okay too, but the truth is that no other person, no other friendship or relationship can fill that void in that moment - mostly just because you’re so fixated on that one person. And anything that doesn’t feel like it could fill that void, anyone who doesn’t feel like they could replace your ex, just doesn’t feel like worth your time and your emotions in that moment.
But all that this does is keep you from genuinely sharing your rawness and your pain with your friends and your loved ones who care about you, and want to be there for you in that moment. The truth is that none of these people are going to be a replacement for your ex, and none of these relationships will be a replacement for the relationship you are grieving.
That’s a VERY IMPORTANT PERSPECTIVE to keep in mind. That these people around you - your friends and loved ones - aren’t there to replace anything, but rather each of those friendships and those relationships have their own unique value in your life - something unique that they bring to your life and your emotional world.
And even tho it may not be exactly the void you’re trying to fill in that moment, or what’s been on the forefront of your mind lately, these are the people who will provide you the support to go through this grief process, and these are the relationships that will give you the strength and comfort to come out of this situation, but of course in due time.
So let people around you in, let them support you through this phase of life because not talking about your pain won’t make it go away. Not discussing it, won’t stop the thoughts from coming to your mind, but sharing them with others, will help you feel supported and find some sense of closure. Not because anyone else will be able to fill the shoes of the person who chose to leave, but because they will help you get back on your feet and realize that you deserve better - you deserve to be accepted, supported and loved for exactly who you are, and you deserve someone who understand the value of the gift of your love and trust.
